On singleness & marriage, work & career, parenting & children. It’s good to talk about, but not good to quarrel about.

As a pastor currently co-leading a church with a session of elders, I regularly engage in conflict. Yet, if you get to know me you’ll know this about me - I do not like conflict, I loath conflict.

I often say this in sermons (and probably shouldn’t), but “ask my wife, I avoid conflict almost at any cost. I fear in the face of conflict, I tremble during times and seasons of acute conflict, and I have been battered by conflict - be that “ordinary” conflict and even “abusive” conflict.

We all face different types of conflict as a result of all the different contexts and circumstances we find ourselves in. Just like the ministry of Moses, or the pastoring by Paul the apostle and church planter - conflict is an occupational hazard for those who are leaders of churches. And, it’s also part of the Christian life as sinners saved by grace. We are imperfect people in an imperfect world. This we continually learn as Jesus’ church, and part of that learning is maturing in discerning what we continue to engage in conflict in and what we don’t.

For example, right now on the day that I type this journal article I am convening a visitation to another group of churches in another Presbytery. Such things will usually meet conflict and reveal it, and all of that is necessary for looking into church health.

Then there are our meetings of Presbytery and Assemblies, all involving conflict. This conflict is good to help us seek the right way forward through questions, discussion, debate and decision making as courts of the church. As an example, one particularly Assembly of which I am a commissioner at the moment is right now looking into very important, distinct and different views over polity and doctrinal issues to prayerfully help the church be clear on such things.

Meeting Matters of Opinion in the Church

But, what do we do when facing conflict in our local church that is neither about polity, nor about church health, and clearly not about contending for the orthodoxy of the gospel of Christ?

Now for us it can be easier to see what we need to do in the conflict of when someone sins agains us, the Bible is clear on that. It tends to be me that can find it hard to say, “I’m often wrong”. But what about on issues that we meet conflict over that are not in those categories? What happens when it doesn’t seem like this is conflict in our life that is about sin, or conflict that deals with doctrine? Well the good news is that the Bible is indeed clear on these things.

There is a category that God’s word speaks to in the Scriptures, through the hand of the Apostle Paul in a couple of his letters that speak to matters of opinion. Notably we see this appear in a section of Scripture from Romans 14:1-15:7.

In Paul’s letter to the Romans (God’s word for the church today), after expounding upon the power of God in the gospel to save us as Christ’s church, Paul then applies the power of the gospel to change our relationships in the church. It’s what Ray Ortlund describes as gospel doctrine shaping gospel culture. It’s what you hear around Reforming being central to our culture, is a culture of Christ.

For the gospel, which is a most important doctrine to understand and apply rightly is also a doctrine that enters the conflict of sin in our world where Jesus changes everything. So that by the time the Apostle Paul has come to write Romans 14:1-15:7 which begins and ends with welcoming one another, he does so by applying the gospel to even matters that are of opinion.

Matters of opinion are that which are not primary. That is, they are not gospel issues. These are not issues of salvation, nor are they in danger of shipwrecking someone’s salvation. By reading through this section of Romans we can see that the particular issues for the church that Paul picks by way of real life opinions that people were quarrelling over were the eating of meat offered to idols or eating only vegetables (verse Romans 14:2), esteeming one day (a religious day) more than another (Romans 14:5), and drinking wine (Romans 14:21). In each of these issues, which seemed to the early church not small issues, the Apostle Paul shows the difference between what is a primary issue and secondary issue, even a tertiary issue. How? The key verse of this section of Scripture is Romans 14:17.

17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (Romans 14:17, ESV)

Understanding this then helps us to see what are matters of opinion, and therefore what to ‘not quarrel’ over - which is what we are told to do in Romans 14:1.

Welcome and Not Quarrel Over Opinions

There are so many things that we could quarrel over in the church. At times there are primary issues that we need to contend over in they church. But on matters of opinion, those which are not of the kingdom of God and its righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit - those matters of opinion we are to not quarrel over.

We see in Romans 14:1-15:7 that we are told not to quarrel, despise, pass judgement, never put a stumbling block in the way of another and let not what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. We are instead to pursue what makes for peace and mutual upbuilding, we are to welcome one another.

So now, is this just my interpretation? My opinion :)

This is where I find it so helpful to have they Westminster Standards at hand. I love being part of a local church that is part of a wider church. I love discussing theology with people together, who have thought about these things deeply.

How the Confession Cares for Liberty of Opinion

The Westminster Confession of Faith has thirty three chapters that elders make vows to “assert, maintain and defend the same” - but church members don’t have to. Why is that? Because the Confession (as s subordinate standard, for the Bible is our supreme standard of authority) simply confesses what we believe as the Presbyterian church. It’s what the Presbyterian church confesses that the Bible teaches. One of the chapters that speaks on matters of opinion is chapter 20, ‘Of Christian Liberty and Liberty of Conscience’. In section 3 we read,

God alone is Lord of the conscience, and hath left it free from the doctrines and commandments of men, which are, in anything, contrary to his Word; or beside it, if matters of faith, or worship. So that, to believe such doctrines, or to obey such commands, out of conscience, is to betray true liberty of conscience: and the requiring of an implicit faith, and an absolute and blind obedience, is to destroy liberty of conscience, and reason also.

In his exposition of the Confession, R.C. Sproul writes about this concerning the issues seen in Romans 14,

There are differences within the Christian community with respect to certain scruples. In the Corinthian case, there was a difference pertaining to meat offered to idols. In Romans, Paul says, “As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him” (14:1). The weaker brother is one who has not reached spiritual maturity, has a simplistic understanding of the things of God, and is an infant in the faith. He becomes upset if he sees something with which he disagrees and may become contentious. Paul says that we do not refuse these people; we are to welcome them. They are not to dispute over doubtful things. They are not allowed to apply pressure and cause conflicts over indifferent things.

(Truths We Confess, p.450)

There are things in the Confession, like Covenantal Baptism, which are secondary issues. These are still important things, just not salvation things. For just as the confession shows what the Bible teaches - that baptism doesn’t save and so isn’t a primary issue. Such things like baptismal age, mode and so forth will no doubt be discussed and debated among friends in the Reforming tradition until Christ’s return. But at no point do Presbyterian elders force members of churches to baptise children as receiving the sign of God’s gospel promises.

So for us as a denomination, as a church, it is notable that we make sure in the Confession we highlight what the Bible teaches on matters of opinion - and we never allow matters of opinion to become the major shape of the culture of the church. For culture is shaped by the gospel, and not matters of opinion. I find what Sproul says about application in the church super helpful,

It would be wrong for a church to tolerate a movement that would require vegetarianism of all its members. Should someone decide that it is wrong for anyone to eat meat at all—offered to idols or not offered to idols—and try to make a rule that members may eat only vegetables, it would be the duty of the church to resist. Should such a policy prevail, it would be the tyranny of the weaker brother. It is certainly all right to choose to be a vegetarian. God does not command us to eat meat, nor does He command us to be vegetarians. Whether we are vegetarians is a matter of adiaphora. We should not allow such matters to be major issues in the church.

(Truths We Confess, p.450)

What are Reforming’s Matters of Opinion?

By now after reading this short article you may be wondering, “Is there an issue of forced vegetarianism at Reforming?” I can assure there isn’t, though we ought to welcome our vegetarian sisters and brothers.

I write so that we keep Romans 14:17 at the forefront of determining what are matters of first importance and what are matters of opinion. I teach so that we will be guided well by keeping God’s word as a light to our path.

17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (Romans 14:17, ESV)

So, here are some examples that where there can be matters of importance and matters of opinion in the church. These are real life examples that I have already preached on or written about, as we apply Christ to our hearts.

Matters of Opinion on Singleness and Marriage

l have written briefly on this before, and we will be in a topical series soon where we’ll look into the blessings of singleness and the mystery of marriage. Yet for now we must see that it is not a mandated thing for people to marry, and there is nothing wrong for a person to remain single if they wish to. At the same time, if a couple wish to get married, also a blessing - but whatever people’s gift and stage of life, we mustn’t treat marriage as the thing that everyone must have or they’re not living out God’s will for their life. These are not primary, but matters of opinion.

Matters of Opinion on Work and Career

The Bible speaks about His people being called into salvation, but not abut us called into a certain career. I used to struggle with this, with my passion for farming and decision-making to move into pastoral ministry. I have been helped by two books. One written ages ago by Phillip Jensen that I read when I wore a younger man’s clothes, ‘Guidance and the Voice of God’. And the other book, which unashamedly relies heavily on Jensen’s book by the slightly funnier Kevin DeYoung, ‘Just Do Something’. We hand the latter out like lollies, and it’s much healthier for you.

The idea that your career is a calling by God, and that you need to discern it, is saturated in western individualism. We just can’t see it. I asked a bunch of pastors recently why we think we are “called by God” into ministry, yet we don’t use this language of the ministry of members of our churches, even our fellow elders!

My “calling”, my task, my work - is no more valuable than yours, as we all labour in the Lord (1 Corinthians 15:58).

Friends, your career, job, the work you do (if it is not a sin) is no more called by God than someone else’s. nor something else. But you were called by God in Christ!

Matters of Opinion on Parenting and Children

There’s no where more a sensitive topic that this, and as a parent I admit it comes close to home. Yet my concern is that in the church the difference between what is primary for parents and what are matters of opinion becomes blurry, fast.

As a parent and pastor, I know that a lot of parents operate on overwhelming guilt. Parents often feel a burden if guilt when they need not, when they could let Jesus take that burden. Parents don’t need more guilt and moralistic teaching, they need to hear the grace of Christ for their encouragement.

From Deuteronomy 6 through to Matthew 28, Ephesians 6, 1 Timothy 5, 1 Peter 3 - there are passages that show what parents are to do and even how to do it. Yet, there are many things that are matters of opinion. Parents, please know that though you have so many matters of opinion before you, that you are loved and welcome whatever your decisions as you disciple your children in the Lord - for that is primary.

Parents are to be the primary disciple-makers, within the context of a local church.

Parents both work in child-raising, in the home, and whilst Titus 2 gives teaching on women working at home, nowhere are women forbidden to work outside the home. For as long as they are discipling their children with home life being a key factor in such discipleship - the church must be careful not to mandate matters of opinion.

If we undertake careful exegesis, looking closely at Titus 2:1-5, we see that the actual issue here is that women are no to be ‘slanderers or slaves too much wine’. The Apostle Paul speaks to these same issues in 1 Timothy 5 where the danger is not young women being busy with another job outside the home - but that younger women (widows in this case) could be busybodies going from house to house saying what that they should not. (1 Timothy 5:13)

Women can work at home and work outside the home, we can see this in Proverbs 31:10-31, or in the New Testament examples of Aquila and Priscilla who were both tentmakers, or Lydia who is a dealer in purple cloth. Many women have paid work outside the home. Many women undertake volunteer work outside the home. Work is how we love our neighbour, and each of us can ask for wisdom from God in how we can do that. It would unwise, even quarrelsome, to criticise other people’s choices and make our own choices on matters of opinion to be mandated.

At a heart level we need to be careful that we don’t attach our self-worth or comparison with others based on our own choices. This is very important for pastors and preachers. As an example, I personally have an iPhone, tablet and computer - and that is hazardous material for my heart. I can have all the screen protection in the world and still find myself scrolling or looking for self-worth in likes or whatever my heart starts to believe this offers me. But…. I must be careful not to mandate phone use as a biblical application of any text. I must not foster quarrels over matters of opinion when it comes to phone use and parenting. I can counsel, for sure, and if you know my preaching then you’ll know that screen time appears in my counsel to Reforming more often than perhaps it should. I am always reforming - yet I use this example to be able to see what are matters of opinion.

Parents are to teach and nurture their children but we must be careful on making matters of opinion primary - such as the use of daycare. My wife and I did not use daycare, and we made choices for ourselves, but we would never seek to pass judgement on those who for various reasons have utilised daycare, or after school care or any such care. It may be that we all hold opinions on these matters, but the church needs to see that these are matters of opinion or circumstances.

The Bible teaches that parents are to teach their children Christ. They are to make little disciples by teaching these little learners, who’ll grow to be adult learners, the love of God for them in Jesus, the gospel, how to pray, how to read God’s word, how to repent, how to rejoice and be thankful.

But, the Bible doesn’t give details as to what secondary things have to look like.

The Bible doesn’t speak to the choice between public school or Christian school, or homeschool.

The Bible doesn’t teach that mum does the cooking and dishes and dad does the sports. Actually, there is that verse about men doing the dishes…

…and I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipes a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down. (2 Kings 21:13)

Ultimately we must see and believe that the Bible doesn’t make matters of opinion primary, where the Scriptures do not make primary. This means at Reforming you will never hear the gospel doctrine teach, nor see the church-wide gospel culture give shape to, mandates that women should not work outside the home. And if a woman has the ability to focus on only working at home, great - just don’t make it better than someone else’s situation. Especially don’t make such a matter a primary issue, and because of the Bible we will never teach that such an issue is primary at Reforming.

To be clear, there are a whole bunch of things you’ll never hear taught at Reforming.

You’ll never hear that your career is your calling.

You’ll never hear that marriage and singleness are inferior to each other.

You’ll never hear that you should or should not eat or drink certain things.

You’ll never hear that parents are not to use daycare, or what they should or should not do aside from discipling their children in the Lord Jesus.

You’ll never hear matters of opinion taught as primary.

What you’ll hear is what I just wrote - again, and again, and again for the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Every Church Meets Matters of Opinion

Every church from the New Testament to now meets matters of opinion. It is part of our discipleship to make sure this doesn’t become a conflict of quarrelling, but of liberty and love. We encourage people of Reforming to have their Bibles open and talk through the Scriptures on these things - we just don’t seek to go in quarrelling circles or forming factions over these things.

Now, one might well say - “but surely some of these things are more important than what you eat and drink?!” The answer to that is clear - that there is more in the Bible on meat offered to idols than on many matters of opinion we would consider important today. It was an idolatry issue, and yet because of the gospel the real idolatry issues are now revealed for us.

It reminds me of those days of COVID, when someone (not of Reforming) asked me why I don’t “preach about the vaccines from that pulpit?” My answer comes from the whole of the book of Romans, with special reference to Romans 14… “because that pulpit is for preaching Christ.”

Every church meets matters of opinion, but what matters is listening to god’s word and making sure what our gospel doctrine and gospel culture is all about this…

17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (Romans 14:17, ESV)

This flowing out of our gospel-won liberty, and for love. We don’t want the church to rob people of their liberty on matters of opinion - for the glory of God, our joy in Jesus, and for the welcoming of one another.